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Dani Osvaldo is living a very different life away from football nowadays and it honestly sounds like something from a Netflix series.
For those who don't remember the forward, just know that throughout all this, he was an incredible player... when he could be bothered.
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Osvaldo is best known to English fans for his sole season at Southampton under Mauricio Pochettino, when he scored just three goals in 13 appearances.
One of them was a sensational solo effort against Manchester City that gets better with every watch so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This story begins two years earlier when Osvaldo was playing for Roma. Like all great mavericks, Osvaldo had a temper on him and it got the better of him a few times.
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One instance in 2011 saw him punch a 19-year-old Erik Lamela in the face after losing 2-0 to Udinese.
He said sorry but then deflected away from the incident by saying things like that stay in the dressing room. Both men then picked up the bill at a team-bonding meal. You live and learn right?
Well, Osvaldo lived but he certainly didn't learn.
A practice game in Southampton training in 2014 saw the Italy international come to blows with Jose Fonte.
Fonte was a popular member of the squad and had helped Southampton reach the Premier League all the way from League One.
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That didn't bother 'El Loco' who planted his head straight on Fonte's nose, breaking it and giving him a massive black eye.
It forced Pochettino to abandon his record signing just six months in and he was shipped to Juventus on a half season loan, where he won Serie A.
Months later, Fonte did receive an apology for the brawl via text message.
The following season, Osvaldo would return to Italy with Inter Milan but even that brought controversy.
His target this time was Mauro Icardi and the pair nearly came to blows on the pitch after a disagreement, with Fredy Guarin the only man able to calm it all down.
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Osvaldo returned to Argentina, his birth nation, for a loan spell with Boca Juniors in 2015 (yes, he's still a Southampton player officially at this point) and said it was a dream to play for Azul y Oro.
2016 saw him officially released by Southampton and after a six month spell with Porto (after turning down a move to Chievo to focus on his blossoming music career), Osvaldo got another shot with Boca.
It took three games for Osvaldo to be released from his contract after being caught smoking in the changing rooms by coach Guillermo Barros Schelotto.
After all those incidents and a clear discipline issue, Osvaldo opted to step away from football aged 30 and form his own rock and roll band named Barrio Viejo.
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How did he arrive at that decision? The love of beer and barbecue.
He told Gazzetta dello Sport in an honest interview: "I decided to quit at Boca, there was too much gossip.
"I couldn’t go out, I was afraid of people. I couldn’t do it any more. I had offers from China and clubs in the Champions League, but I was detached.
"I was beginning to hate what I'd always loved. Football deserves respect, and I prefer asado [Argentine barbecue] and beer to money."
Osvaldo returned to Banfield, where it all began, for one last dance in 2020 before bringing a final end to his footballing career.
Does he miss it though? Not really, and he explained why with an interesting Lionel Messi analogy.
He explained to Marca: "Would I like to be like Messi? No. I'd like to play like him, but he has no life. It's as if he lives in a golden prison.
"He couldn't go somewhere and quietly drink something. Maybe he doesn't care about it, but I do.
"I imagine him buying the biggest TV in the world, but then he's never in his living room to use it.
"Failing that, he probably drives a Ferrari, knowing he lives 15 minutes away from the Barcelona's training ground…"
The words of a man who got everything he wanted out of football, but we all know it could've been so much more.
Featured Image Credit: Dani Osvaldo/Instagram & AlamyTopics: Southampton, Premier League
