I took part in brutal trial for KSI's Baller League and it was football's answer to Squid Game
It was when one fellow attendee named Mo Salah as the best player he had played against that I realised being named Oldham Villa’s 'most improved player' in the 2021/22 season wasn't going to carry much weight in this challenge.
In the same year that I made my Sunday League comeback, the aforementioned player had turned out for a youthful Aston Villa side against Liverpool in the FA Cup.
But we both found ourselves taking part in what felt like a football equivalent of Netflix’s 'Squid Game', with considerably less violence but an enormous competitive edge.
On a baltic Saturday at a Powerleague in Manchester, I participated in a brutal trial for the 'Baller League', a new six-a-side competition which has some of the biggest names in world football and social media involved.
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After it became a huge hit in Germany with three million views on online broadcasts, the competition is now looking to make a big splash in the United Kingdom - with Luis Figo, John Terry and Ian Wright among the 12 managers/coaches.
Gary Lineker, Micah Richards and Alan Shearer have formed a three-man coaching team and will go up against Arsenal 'Invincibles' Jens Lehmann, Robert Pires and Freddie Ljungberg.
KSI, fellow Sidemen members Tobi Brown (TBJZL) and Simon Minter (Miniminter), UK rap legend Dave and Angry Ginge are also involved in the league, which will see 12 teams play against one another in 30 minute games on Monday nights at the 5,000 capacity Copper Box Arena in London.
But who will be playing in the Baller League? Tens of thousands of footballers, ranging from ex-Premier League players, former Real Madrid, Manchester City, Liverpool and Chelsea academy prospects and England futsal internationals, applied on the Baller League website, where they were able to upload footage of them strutting their stuff and a link to their Transfermarkt profile if they were so fortunate to have one.
To confirm, this right-back in the changing rooms does not – but nonetheless I managed to gain access to one of three trial events put on as a wildcard entry of sorts.
Those who travelled from near and far were all vying for one of 200 spots in the upcoming NFL style draft and a chance to earn £400 per game.
Wearing my muddy Adidas Copa Gloros, I rocked up around 2:30pm and provided details upon entry, with every player being given their own tightly fitted and numbered Baller League shirt for the day.
By coincidence, I found myself wearing the No.80 shirt that 2005 Ballon d’Or winner and ultimate trickster Ronaldinho sported for AC Milan.
After a talk and introduction from director of football Lasse Lehmann, son of former Arsenal goalkeeper Jens, light warm-ups commenced before we were split into groups to embark on four gruelling stations.
Other trials did feature an additional two challenges; a passing drill featuring panels which lit up and a machine which fired balls out for shooting – but these Wayne Rooney's Street Striker-esque exercises were omitted because of the weather.
Check out the footage of how my trial went below:
Station one
My group kicked off with a speed dribbling challenge where you had two attempts at running around poles as quick as you could with the ball at your feet.
A special bit of technology measured each player's time, with mine coming in at 14 seconds. Compared to some of the other speed demons who turned with such sharpness, I felt a little bit like I was running in treacle.
However, I did take pride in the fact that I didn't fall over or have a notable mishap, which has to be seen as a success.
Station two
It was straight into the second station where the intensity increased considerably in a 6v6 game that was played at a frighteningly frenetic pace for about 20 minutes.
In a bid to not get completely exposed as a fraudulent member, I decided to sit at the back and attempted to keep things nice and simple.
But the fact that offsides were included meant that I couldn't just take it easy and had to squeeze up the pitch.
Still, I was often the deepest player and saw a lot more of the ball than I imagined. Lasse, the director football, summed my outing up when he said I was “very loyal to right back”.
I made a conscious effort to be a good talker, saying things like “let’s get the shape” and “start again” to make out as if I was some kind of experienced leader.
But you still have to do the talking with your feet and I started off in steady fashion with tidy touches and some big old tackles, two of which led to goals from my technically superior teammates.
My intention was to play it safe and go for the simple pass, but I did at least show some playmaking prowess with a glorious defence-splitting ball that I’ve watched on repeat about 50 times.
Slowly but surely the volume of f-bombs increased as I was rinsed by the same player in quick succession, the opposition eventually realising I was the weak link.
It wasn’t a complete disasterclass but the humbling standard made me realise I wouldn’t quite be cut out for weekly 30-minute games in the Baller League, which has received £19 million worth of funding from an investment group featuring Mason Mount, Diogo Dalot and Diogo Jota.
Station three
And then that brought us on to the penultimate station, ran by the guys from Top Baller – who put on 1v1 tournaments all over the world where players show off filthy skills in front of some energetic crowds.
Although I was a big fan of Soccer AM’s ‘Skill Skool’ back in the day, this was an activity that didn’t quite suit my abilities.
It was attacker vs defender on constant rotation, with a goalkeeper in goal. I impersonated an attacker at first but panicked and hit a first-time shot straight down the keeper’s throat.
I was more comfortable defending, trying to slow down the opponent and getting a touch on the ball in whatever way I could. But some of the players were so nippy, and with footwork that a Brazilian could only dream of, that it was inevitable I would get rinsed on occasion.
There were a good few pastings here and there but thankfully I didn’t suffer the ultimate humiliation in the form of a nutmeg.
On the ball, I did produce stepovers so big and slow that I probably ought to apologise to Cristiano Ronaldo, but I did also conjure up an utterly outrageous dribble and finish that I’m still not sure I can explain.
Station four
Last but not least was a ‘King of the Court’ game that you would expect to see on FIFA Street.
It was supposed to be a 3v3 (excluding goalkeepers) but ours ended up being 4v4 because of the numbers in my group.
The game was first to two goals, with the winners staying on. But while I had one solitary nice bit of skill, it was a very forgettable session for me.
I was mentally and physically exhausted and that showed in my sloppy display, where I was blasted by one of the coaches for not tracking my man and “standing on the f***ing sidelines”.
With tens of thousands of players applying I was an outside shout to make the draft anyway, but I feel the fourth station confirmed my fate.
The following day, in the second Manchester trial, two players were so impressive that they were signed on the spot and will be allocated to one of the 12 teams in the draft, which takes place on 10 March and will see 144 players selected.
After a picture with all the players who participated, everyone tucked into some Wingstop - my personal highlight - before heading home and anxiously waiting to hear if they had made the cut.
My text hasn't been delivered yet but if Figo needs a reliable ringer, I’m always available.
Baller League draft night will be on Monday 10th March at 6.15pm, with matchdays kicking off on Monday 24th March. The draft and matchdays will be broadcast live on Sky Sports and livestreamed on the Baller League YouTube and Twitch channels from the Copper Box Arena in London.
Topics: Alan Shearer, Gary Lineker, John Terry, KSI, Luis Figo, Micah Richards, Spotlight
Josh Lawless