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Sidemen FC Charity Match 2023 player ratings: Speed misses penalty, KSI nets own-goal, Chunkz stars

Chris Byfield

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Sidemen FC Charity Match 2023 player ratings: Speed misses penalty, KSI nets own-goal, Chunkz stars

The Sidemen played their annual charity match at West Ham's London Stadium. Here is how the players faired on a scorching day in east London.

Last year, the encounter which took place at Charlton's the Valley, raised over £1million for charity, while this time out Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM), Teenage Cancer Trust and Rays of Sunshine (among others) benefited from an even bigger crowd and profile.

The Sidemen claimed an 8-5 win over the YouTube All-Stars in an eventful encounter.

Of course, the game was for charity, but here's our take on the performances...

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Sidemen FC

KSI - 3

Allegedly a baller but played in goal in light of his upcoming fight, and it was interesting. In the second half he made a save only to roll across his own line with the ball in his grasp. Redeemed himself to a degree moments later by making a great save from a ChrisMD shot.

Callux - 4

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Went on from the bench, went straight back off. Went on again. And off a few moments later. Good for his cardio, bad for his match rating.

Wroetoshaw - 7

Defended well, only to give away a penalty in the second half after being dumbfounded by some decent ChrisMD footwork. However, in the second half he scored an absolute worldie, unleashing a strike from the edge of the box into the top right corner.

Calfreezy - 6

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Made a brilliant block in the second half, denying Speed from close range. Was pretty solid throughout, despite playing with food poisoning.

JME - 4

Had a very quiet game.

Zerkaa - 5

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Did pretty much nothing, but he gets a point for being brave enough to play in the London Stadium as a Millwall fan.

Manny - 8

Scored a hat-trick. Was barely involved beyond that but can't ask for more.

Behzinga - 7

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Scored a goal at his beloved West Ham, which is an achievement in its own right. But more impressively he's a ginger man who heroically braved the heat.

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TBJZL - 7

Followed his brother's example by netting in the second-half, though he was very much helped by xQc's keeping.

Miniminster - 8

Attempted a fair-few rabona and netted a good goal, beating the offside trap before sliding the ball beyond xQc. Reckon he could catfish quite a few lower league clubs with his YouTube highlights reel from this game.

Vikkstar123 - 5

Made a couple of old-school, no compromising challenges, which I love. He also set up Wroetoshaw's goal. But I also must stress, he's not very good a football.

Deji - 5

He wore goggles. And we're not talking iconic mid-noughties Edgar Davids-style goggles. We're talking science GCSE, bunsen burner-style goggles. That is all.

W2S - 6

Pinged a wonderful pass over the YouTube All-Stars' defence to set up Miniminster's opener. Pirlo would have been proud of that one.

Lazarbeam - 4

Barely touched the ball.

Tareq - 6

Perhaps the most famous cameraman in the world... Not a good footballer. But, he did net a goal at the last, courtesy of some poor defending from the All-Stars.

YouTube All-Stars:

xQc - 1

Picked the ball out of his own net a few times. He got a hand to Manny's opener, and really should have done better. It's also best not to mention xQc's keeping for Manny's second.

Oh and he was also at fault for TBJZL's goal. Come to think of it, the YouTube All-Stars would have benefited from xQc not turning up at all.

Danny Aarons - 6

Had a solid game, though missed a half-chance to put his name on the score sheet at the last.

Angry Ginge - 8

Loved watching him. Several big challenges. No nonsense old school defender.

Max Fosh - 8

For a man who definitely went to a school that prioritised rugby over football he did really well. Scored a great goal in the second half from distance and was solid at the back.

ChrisMD - 8

Scored a genuinely unbelievable goal, skipping past three defenders before striking the ball beyond KSI. His footwork then won his side a penalty in the second half. ChrisMD was one of the best players on the pitch.

WillNE - 4

At one point he did something so bad it was good. WillNE miss-controlled the ball and accidentally did a samba-esque flick, which was genuinely impressive. Beyond that NOT A GOOD FOOTBALLER.

IShowSpeed - 4

Speed plays football exactly how you'd imagine he would. He's incredibly quick, very chaotic and pretty crap. I also don't think he knows the offside rule.

In the second half he had the opportunity to channel his inner Cristiano Ronaldo from the spot, but it was one of the worst penalties I have ever seen. Speed did get an assist at the end of the game, which has helped him secure the relatively generous score of 4/10.

Yung Filly - 7

Water is wet. The sky is blue. Filly assists Chunkz. He also almost scored the goal of the game, with his effort from some 40 yards hitting the cross bar.

Cristiano Ronaldo's influence has not quite rubbed off on Speed (Getty)
Cristiano Ronaldo's influence has not quite rubbed off on Speed (Getty)

Chunkz - 8

You don't give Chunkz time at the edge of his box. Set up by his mate Filly, Chunkz had a speculative effort deflected into goal. He was also central to much of the YouTube All-Stars' good work in midfield. He's a baller.

Kai Cenat - 3

Describing his own performance, he said "I'm ass". I have nothing to add.

Theo Baker - 7

Theo Baker was one of the best players on the pitch. Displayed a decent touch, ran the lines and went off injured within half and hour. It was almost as if Andy Carroll was back at West Ham.

But seriously, he needed to be stretchered off so I very much hope he's okay. (Apologies for the Frank Lampard transition).

Niko - 7

At times looked a handful and was decent on the ball. Added his name to the scoresheet with a gorgeous finish in the second half, courtesy of the aforementioned Speed assist.

Mr Beast - 5

He was very much one of the A-listers of the pack but struggled to make his mark on the game. Did a job at left-back.

Chandler Hallow - 4

I almost forgot he was playing.

Airrack - 4

Again, did very little.

AboFlah - 4

Struggled to impose himself on the game.

Karl Jacobs - 5

Played on both the flanks. He's not very good, but it's fun to take part I guess.

JiDion - 5

JiDion hand balled it in the build up to Behzinga's goal. He literally leaned over, and stopped the ball with his hand, before acknowledging his mistake, pulling away and allowing his opposition number to score. A unique way of interpreting the art of defending.

Featured Image Credit: Sidemen FC via YouTube

Topics: Football, KSI, IShowSpeed

Chris Byfield
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