If your mate’s bragging about reading his partner’s DMs — that’s a red flag

Warning: This article contains discussion of family and domestic violence which some readers may find distressing.

You’ve probably heard it before — or maybe you’ve even said it yourself. “I’ve got her location just in case.” “She knows not to wear that unless I say it’s alright.” “She gave me her passwords — if you’ve got nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

These kinds of comments are often dropped into group chats or tossed out over drinks like they’re no big deal. Sometimes they’re presented as jokes. Sometimes they’re said with a wink or a laugh. But here’s the hard truth. It’s not funny, it’s not protective and it’s definitely not romantic. It’s controlling.

This behaviour — the constant checking, the monitoring, the rules around what someone can wear or who they can see — is called coercive control. And it doesn’t have to involve physical violence to be abuse.

It’s a pattern of behaviour that chips away at someone’s independence, confidence and freedom, and it can be subtle enough to slip under the radar — especially if we’ve been taught to see it as normal.

Coercive control can look different in every relationship. For some, it’s about controlling what their partner wears, eats or posts online. For others, it’s cutting them off from friends and family, or keeping them financially dependent.

Sometimes it’s gaslighting — convincing someone that their memories or feelings aren’t real. Other times, it’s about checking their texts, tracking their location, or demanding sex and calling it “just part of being in a relationship.”

It can even include threats and intimidation, all while the person using the control claims it’s because they “care”.

Here’s the thing, if you’re bragging about telling your partner what to do, what not to wear, who they can see or where they can go — that’s a massive red flag. The effects can leave victims feeling isolated, anxious and trapped. It doesn’t just harm individuals — it affects entire communities, and that’s not something to flex.

In Australia on average, one woman is killed every nine days by a current or former partner. Coercive control often happens before the violence becomes physical — and sometimes it’s the reason a victim feels like they can’t leave.

So what do we do when we see this happening — in our mates, our group chats, our workplaces or even in ourselves? It starts by calling it what it is. That comment about tracking a girlfriend’s location? That’s a warning sign. That mate who brags about reading his partner’s DMs? That’s not protective — it’s controlling.

But calling it out shouldn’t mean blowing up or starting a fight. The most effective way to interrupt abusive behaviour is by asking questions in a non-confrontational way. “What do you mean by that?” “Why do you feel like you need to do that?” “How do you think that makes them feel?”

These questions open up space for reflection without triggering defensiveness and can help them see the impact of what they’re doing, especially if they’ve never been taught otherwise.

It also means having the courage to check our own behaviour. Have you ever justified checking a partner’s phone because “you just had a feeling”? Ever told someone they couldn’t go somewhere because you didn’t trust their friends? Ever made a partner feel guilty for wanting space, or spending time with others? It might feel small in the moment, but these are the kinds of behaviours that build into a pattern — and patterns become abuse.

If you’re worried about a mate’s behaviour, start the conversation somewhere safe. Wait until they’re calm. Keep it private. Don’t attack — ask. Be honest about what you’ve noticed.

Let them know you’re not judging, but you are concerned. Encourage them to reach out to support services. These conversations aren’t easy — but they matter. A single honest chat can be the turning point someone needs to reflect and change. To learn more about how to start a conversation safely, visit the WA Gov website.

And if you think someone you know is being controlled or manipulated — don’t look away. Listen. Support them. Let them know what they’re experiencing isn’t normal and isn’t their fault. They might not recognise what’s happening to them as abuse — but your words could be the start of them finding a way out.

We all have a role to play in ending family and domestic violence — and that includes recognising the warning signs of coercive control and calling out the culture that enables it. Because when we excuse, laugh off, or ignore controlling behaviour, we send the message that it’s acceptable. It’s not.

If you or someone you know needs help or support, confidential help is available. Visit the WA Gov website to learn more about coercive control and support available.