FA To Give Cup Final Extreme Super Bowl Makeover
Hot on the heels of yet another behemoth Super Bowl offering from the NFL, the FA have moved quickly to put plans into place to transform the FA Cup final into a 'bloody great big, balls out bonanza'.
Senior officials decamped to an emergency 'strategy bunker' within Wembley Stadium in the early hours of this morning, where discussions were held with regards to May's showpiece event at the national stadium.
It was decided within minutes of talks beginning that, having lost a large amount of it's lustre over the past few years, the world's oldest cup competition needed "tarting up like a whore's drawers" according to an unnamed inside source.
"When the top brass saw Lady Gaga jump off the roof of that stadium last night they collectively shit a brick" our source continued, "I mean, we've all been great fans of Katherine Jenkins blaring out 'Abide With Me' or 'God Save The Queen' on a wrap of whizz, but it's a bit old hat nowadays, innit?
"With the NFL's popularity soaring in the UK over the past few years, fans have had their heads turned by lasers, Beyonce and wild horses running onto the pitch. They even make a coin toss feel like a bigger deal than a Royal fucking wedding, so we've decided to up our game significantly, starting with this year's final".
A rumoured appearance by Emeli Sande has apparently been shelved as "Everyone was sick of that shite after London 2012" and several high profile acts have reportedly been contacted with a liberal remit of 'anything goes' attached to any ideas they may have for their performance.
"This next one's called 'the referee's a wanker'" Image: PA
FA chief executive Greg Clarke reportedly dismissed Gaga's descent from the roof of Houston's NRG Stadium as "a less funny version of Boris Johnson getting stuck on that zip wire before the Olympics" but apparently was convinced by his fellow association board members that 'nutters jumping off of things' was a guaranteed winner.
"Fortunately, the chief exec is a MASSIVE wrestling fan, so when it was brought to his attention that Gaga's entrance was reminiscent of Shawn Michaels' at WrestleMania 12, his head was soon turned and he became open to more of the elaborate ideas that were brought to the table.
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"Within hours, acts were responding to our calls, all desperate for a slice of the action. We had to reject Coldplay's calls, like, as no one wants to hear Chris Martin warble on about free trade chocolate for 40 fucking minutes. Pretty sure that's why Gwyneth Paltrow binned him off. The soppy fucking sod."
If our insider knowledge is to be believed (and it PROBABLY is), the FA's plan is already gaining a phenomenal amount of momentum.
"The top tier plan at this moment in time is to have Adele scale the Wembley arch dressed as Mary Poppins, with Gary Barlow in the Dick Van Dyke role. Emphasis very much on the Dick.
"Of course, plans are always subject to change, so we've got several contingency acts lined up should Adele and Gary fall through. Gaz's already on about fannying about with some inner city choirs so his role could end up being nixed.
"Back up plans range from Muse playing 'Three Lions' in sci-fi versions of the England kit to Jamelia tumbling backwards down a slide into a ball pool.
"Our absolute last resort, which is actually my preferred option, is Sam Allardyce, stood in the centre circle of the Wembley pitch, necking pint after pint of white wine while bellowing 'Vindaloo' at the top of his lungs, topless, with the George's cross painted across his torso and face. He's actually already agreed to it and is eager for an 'audition' of sorts at the upcoming EFL Cup final at the end of this month."
This year's Cup final entertainment? Let's fucking well hope so. Image: PA
Unfortunately, Trainspotting director Danny Boyle, who curated the jaw dropping Olympic Games opening ceremony in 2012, is unavailable to helm the Cup final re imagining and the role is set to be offered to explosion and robot fetishist Michael Bay, who will be tasked with turning English football's grandest showpiece into an orgy of pyrotechnics and senseless violence. Unless Jamelia and Big Sam have their way, of course.
Saturday 27th May can't come soon enough.
Featured Image Credit: PA
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