Alvaro Morata considered faking an injury to avoid playing for Spain at last summer's European Championship following a "self-destructive" period of depression which left him having "many horrible thoughts".
The 32-year-old striker, who currently plays for AC Milan following spells at Atletico Madrid, Chelsea and Real Madrid, has opened up on the mental struggles he's faced over the years in a new documentary called Morata: They Don’t Know Who I Am.
In a candid segment of the Movistar feature, Morata recalled his emotions after being criticised for missing a clear goal-scoring opportunity for Atletico Madrid in their Champions League quarter-final clash against Borussia Dortmund in April 2024.
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“I was not able to follow the ball,” he said, referring to a one-on-one situation with goalkeeper Gregor Kobel in the second leg.
“We were not losing the game, but in your head, you had blown the chance to reach a Champions League final with Atletico. When the game was over, I stayed a long time alone in the dressing room. I just wanted to cry. From there, it all began.
"You start to feel many things in your body and you don’t know why or how. Your legs hurt. Your chest closes up. You can’t breathe. I was afraid of going to sleep and not waking up. I was afraid of everything.”
As mentioned above, Morata also revealed that he thought about faking an injury to get out of playing for Spain at Euro 2024; a competition La Roja went on to win following a 2-1 victory over England in the final.
"I had many horrible, self-destructive thoughts," he said. "It passed through my head to fake an injury, so I would not have to go (to the Euros)."
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After speaking to Spain's team doctor, Oscar Celada, about his feelings, Celada arranged a conversation between Morata and Andres Iniesta, who had himself struggled with depression following the death of close friend Dani Jarque in 2009.
Iniesta offered guidance to Morata, which proved to be a turning point, while Spain coach Luis de la Fuente told Morata that the team "needed him” coming into the tournament.
Despite scoring in Spain's opening win against Croatia, the experienced striker was criticised by sections of the media, as well as supporters. Morata admits that it knocked his confidence.
“Is it worth playing for Spain if everywhere I go with my family, there are unpleasant incidents, with people insulting you and mocking you?” he said.
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“If you go to stadiums, wearing the Spain jersey, and fans whistle you and abuse you. It’s not worth it. There are many Spain fans who support me, but also many others who don’t want me here. But if I retire from international football, they will win.”
Morata, who has scored 37 goals in 86 appearances for Spain since his international debut in 2014, recently missed a penalty for Spain in their Nations League final shoot-out defeat to Portugal.
After the full-time whistle, he hinted about potentially retiring from the international game.
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"I feel sorry for my teammates, but that's part of life," he said. "I thank the coach for his words. The penalty? I took it badly, I could have done better, but there's nothing I can do about it.
“I'm leaving angry. I wanted to cry, even though I didn't. My children were in the stands, and in life, you have to learn."
Speaking on his possible retirement, Morata added: "I'm only thinking about what happened today, but it's possible I won't be back in September."
Topics: Alvaro Morata, Spain, Euro 2024, Chelsea, AC Milan, Real Madrid
Jack Kenmare