Premier League clubs might have done their best to blow up Sky Sports News' totalizer by spending a combined £1bn+ over the Summer, but even then, the 20 top teams in England and Wales still failed to pick up some of the finest free agents on the planet.
Somehow, every team, not only in the UK but the entire world, conspired to not sign some of the finest players of a generation completely free of charge. Alright, their wages would have all been massive and they're all a good few years past their best but isn't that what modern football should be about? Paying ageing blokes far too much money to not do much apart from score about five brilliant goals a season?
Anyway, this lot are still available to play for your team and you should probably start petitioning to get them all signed up before they do something shite like retire and become pundits.
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Dimitar Berbatov
He'll never run, he'll barely even move, in fact, but every football club needs Dimitar Berbatov. Just look at him. He looks like someone put Andy Garcia's head on Jarvis Cocker's body, for fuck sake. Yet the Bulgarian is one of the most majestic players to ever grace the beautiful game and, even at 35, with his contract at PAOK at an end, he's worth a punt for a season.
Raul Meireles
Bags of Premier League, Champions League and international experience with a hair and beard combo that would look more at home in a pop-up biker themed bar in Shoreditch than it would a football pitch. The 2012 Champions League and FA Cup winning midfielder's time with Fenerbahce is now at an end and, at 33 years of age, the Portuguese international would be an ideal addition for any mid-lower mid table Premier League outfit looking to bolster their ranks without breaking the bank.
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Mathieu Flamini
In all honesty, Flamini wouldn't add much on the pitch, just ask any Arsenal fan who saw him turn out for the Gunners over the past three years. However, what the former AC Milan midfielder does possess is a stake in biochemicals company GF Biochemicals and, should Flamini's planet saving venture take off in the way he's predicting, the Frenchman could end up being worth TWENTY BILLION POUNDS. Over the past seven years, Flamini has reportedly invested millions in the business which became the first company to mass produce Levulinic Acid (LA), which can replace oil in all its forms. So on one hand you'd be lumbered with a pretty lousy central midfielder during the twilight of his career but on the other hand, he could end up becoming a billionaire and throwing money at your club. Every cloud...
Emmanuel Adebayor
The Togo striker saw a move to Fulham fall through on deadline day and, while he's probably quite happy to swim through his wads of cash like Scrooge McDuck, he'd probably also fancy a crack at one last, fat contract. The former Spurs, Manchester City and Arsenal man often proves to be quite a divisive character with his 'I couldn't be less arsed' attitude but he knows where the back of the net is and doesn't mind the occasional bout of shithousing to wind up opposition players and fans alike, which is always a bonus.
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Miroslav Klose
Simply put, the bloke scores goals. Yes he's 38 but if you give him the ball inside the box, it's ending up in the back of the net. A return of 71 goals from 137 international caps is a phenomenal return, especially when you consider that 16 of those strikes came across three World Cups en route to Klose becoming the tournament's all time leading goal scorer, surpassing Brazilian legend Ronaldo. The former Lazio and Bayern Munich man retired from the international scene by winning the World Cup which, by default, obviously means if your club buys him for what will likely be the last year of his club career, he'll also bring silverware with him. Probably. I mean, you might also need to sign Toni Kroos, Thomas Muller and Manuel Neuer to absolutely guarantee it but it's a pretty good guess that Klose would still do the business, no matter where he ends up.
WORDS BY JOE BAIAMONTE
Topics: Football, Free transfers, Dimitar Berbatov