Featured Image credit: PA
It was a scene akin to witnessing Apollo Creed's demise at the beginning of Rocky IV. A man once thought of as unparalleled in his field, a giant of the game, left a helpless, quivering wreck after coming face to face with an opponent of advanced skill, strength and technique. Pep Guardiola had met his Ivan Drago - English football.
The once great Catalan manager could barely lift his head to make eye contact with the press as he tearfully read the reams and reams of expert analysis on social media that revealed him to be the biggest chancer the football world has seen since Ali Dia pulled on a Southampton shirt.
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Guardiola arrived in England with more silverware than Mr. T but has since endured a six match winless streak, stretching back almost a month to the 3-3 draw with Celtic in the Champions League on the 28th September. "At least when my hero Mick McCarthy lost 15 consecutive league games with Sunderland in 2003, you knew it was just a blip. But me? I don't possess the bouncebackability of a manager as great as big Mick" blubbered Guardiola as he was painfully reminded of the fact his Manchester City team are only top of the league on goal difference.
'Fraudiola' during another lesson in English football (Image credit: PA)
Defeats to Spurs, Barcelona and Manchester rivals United have been sandwiched between draws with Celtic, Everton and Southampton and many experts on social media have pointed out how these draws confirm the two time Champions League winning coach to be a fraud.
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Continental football expert and analyst @MillwallDave72 took time out of his busy schedule shouting at the TV in the pub and demanding to know whether any of the foreigners on the Ballon d'Or shortlist could do the business on a wet, Tuesday night in Stoke to explain to theSPORTbible the reasons for Guardiola's monumental failings over the past month.
"As a manager, you can't expect to come over to England, the home of the 1966 World Champions, where football was invented, and expect any of that namby pamby passing bollocks to cut the mustard. I mean, we invented football and this Spaniard bloke is coming over and trying to mug us off with intelligence, technique and slick interplay? Pull the other one, mate. I bet he's never heard of the 'big man, little man' Peter Crouch/Jermain Defoe dynamic that 'Arry Redknapp used to revolutionise the beautiful game, that we gave to the world, may I add. He could do with spending a few weeks under the wing of Tony Pulis to learn about why the English game is the most revered style of football around the globe."
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However, after last night's 1-0 reverse to Manchester United in the EFL Cup, it would seem as though Guardiola won't be sticking around the Premier League long enough to learn from West Brom's visionary coach.
"All that success in La Liga and the Bundesliga was a sham", the humbled Manchester City boss spluttered through quivering lips to a stunned press room. "There's no pressure on you at small clubs like Barcelona and Bayern Munich. It's basically like playing FIFA Career mode on 'beginner' level. They're really relaxed about everything and so are all their fans. You start with a load of good players, throw them out onto the pitch and they do the rest. I barely bothered turning up to most games when I was at those clubs. I'd watch the matches on my massive telly at home and if I got bored I'd txt my assistant to bring on a substitute or tell Messi to score a couple more goals.
"In England the game's so much more advanced than it is on the continent. The way so many managers have revolutionised the game by cutting out the need for a midfield by having their defenders simply hit the ball towards the strikers instead is light years ahead of any of that 'Total Football' and 'Tiki Taka' shite Johan Cruyff and Rinus Michels spent years forcing down our throats.
"I wake up in cold sweats every night, now, following a recurring dream where Andy Carroll is chasing down a lofted James Collins through ball."
"Why did I ever bother with midfielders?" (Image credit: PA)
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As the lights went out on in the press room in the bowels of Old Trafford, they also looked to be going out on Guardiola's career, having been exposed by the forward thinking nature of the English game. His seven years of beginner's luck at Barcelona and Bayern Munich now very much public knowledge, Guardiola has left himself with no option but to call time on his career after a historically humiliating three and a half weeks, the likes of which the Premier League has never seen.
Alan Curbishley is the early favourite to replace Guardiola at the Etihad.
Featured Image Credit:Topics: Manchester City, Football, Pep Guardiola
