Roy Keane left Man United 15 years ago today but his spell as a pundit has seen him demolish even more players than he did on the pitch.
Keane's first stab at TV punditry actually led to his 2005 exit when the captain put his own teammates on blast during an MUTV rant. It was never broadcast - as apparently in-house club stations aren't there for verbal beastings of your club's record signings - but he was fined £5,000 and let go mid-season.
Plenty of Keane's brutal takedowns have been broadcast on live TV since then, however, and these are the fiercest. Warning: NSFW.
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Danny Rose and Serge Aurier: "The two Tottenham full-backs; dreadful. Dumb and Dumber I'd call them," said Keane, forced to go into Jim Carey's back catalogue to express just how clown-like the Spurs duo were in a loss to Liverpool. "I thought they were a joke, really abysmal."
Man United's defence: "I'm fuming here watching this game of football," said Keane, which we assume is his default setting. In this case, it involved his old side conceding against Spurs.
"I am sick to death of this goalkeeper," Keane seethed about David de Gea, having already hammered Luke Shaw and Harry Maguire. "I would be fighting him at half-time... I would be swinging punches at that guy."
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As Patrice Evra tried (and failed) to lighten the mood, Keane finished with: "Maguire? And De Gea? I wouldn't even let them on the bus after the match - get a taxi back to Manchester."
Jack Wilshire: "Probably the most overrated player on the planet," said Keane of the then Arsenal midfielder in 2018. Well, least he didn't say "in the galaxy," leaving open the possibility that there's a more overrated footballer on, say, Mars.
A few months later, he went in again. "I have never been a big fan," Keano understated. "As bad as Arsenal were, he was really bad. Has he been offered a contract? If I was him I'd sign it quickly because if he thinks he is going to be getting big offers in the summer, I'd be surprised."
Dele Alli: "He thinks he's a male model of some sort, do me a favour," said Keane. Can you even imagine how much disdain Roy has for male models? Exactly.
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Keane added that Dele "needs to start looking in the mirror and wondering why he's lost that hunger." Actually a bit of a contradiction there, as we imagine male models do spend a lot of time looking in the mirror already. Are we going to point that out to Roy? No.
Kyle Walker and Sergio Aguero: The most recent entry in Roy's (literal) cannon is a scathing takedown of Walker, who he called "a car crash" and "an idiot". A savaging so bad that Manchester City reportedly complained to Sky Sports.
Aguero's waistline was also savaged on the same day. "He looked overweight," Keane said bluntly. "God knows what size shorts he was wearing but he did look really heavy." If Sergio Aguero is fat in Roy's eyes, remind us not to invite Keane round for our post-lockdown physical assessment.
Adam Lallana: "I know my daughter's probably stronger than him," was Keane's brutal take on the then Liverpool midfielder.
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To be fair, Keane's daughter is probably nails. Imagine bringing daddy that first crayon drawing age three. "Is that supposed to be a cat? A dog? Looks like one of the Nevilles. Disgraceful effort; really poor."
Paul Pogba: "I wouldn't believe a word he says," scorched Roy, death stare at level 4,000, in reaction to Pogba's interview after a 4-0 defeat at Everton. "There's no meaning behind it. I don't even think he believed it himself.
"He said how it got a bit heated after the loss at Everton, I heard they were actually throwing their hair gel at each other, it got that heated... He's a big problem for United."
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Diego Costa: "To me he's big trouble," assessed Keane of the then Chelsea striker. "He looks a bit of a balloon."
What on earth kind of children's parties is Roy attending where the balloons look like the craggy, terrifying face of Diego Costa? You have to wonder.
Aston Villa: Roy's shark-eyed disdain and deadpan "imagine if they ever win anything" reaction to Aston Villa celebrating Premier League survival is a classic. Micah Richards - the one person officially licensed to laugh at Keane - loved it. Was it a panto villain act for the cameras or was Keano really as angry as he looks? Probably safer to assume the latter.
Liverpool: "If Liverpool were playing out in my back garden, I wouldn't watch them," Keane told ITV in 2017. "They're just drifting. Drifting nowhere."
Proof that even the fiercest pundit can get predictions wrong on occasion. Keane was correct, back then, when he said, "Come the end of the season, when the prizes are being given out, Liverpool will be nowhere near." But his further judgement that Liverpool "are going nowhere fast" was way off.
No wonder Jurgen Klopp and Keane haven't always seen eye-to-eye.
Roy Keane: Yep! Keano isn't a hypocrite who abuses others, but won't lash himself. He once criticised himself as "too nice" (sorry, what?) and when asked to judge the modern transfer value of former Man United players went for David Beckham at £1 billion, Ryan Giggs at £2 billion and himself at £3.75 million (the amount he joined the club for in 1993).
Keane also admitted to errors in judgement during his playing career. Reflecting on Carlos Queiroz's second spell at United on ITV, Keane stated: "He questioned my loyalty and I told him where to go. One of my big regrets, really: I probably should have ripped his head off."
So there we go. Roy's big regret is not ripping a coach's head off. What a man/pundit/nightmare he is. Let's hope he never changes.
Featured image credit: PA Images/Sky Sports
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